Mood, emotions and state of mind
This blog post is quite natural to write exactly right now, as I'm in the middle of a test tubing (ICSI), and on top of that, the part of the treatment that affects me the most is down regulation.
I feel completely beside myself, chronically tired and around on the floor, with thought-provoking words that say save two, and I'm just trying to hold myself together in the best way. My mood is still ok, but I am generally more sensitive and it will take less to affect me in the negative direction, it is not as bad as the last, but now it is also only the first attempt in this round.
Now it's been 4 years since we last went through a lot of treatments, and I'm just so surprised at how quickly I feel, I'm moving into the same thoughts and feelings as I did. I didn't expect that at all - I really thought I should be much more relaxed and with a much calmer head, both because I know what I'm going into, but also because I'm so lucky to be last time came out the other side with a little miracle. So don't know if "just" it is the bombardment of hormones you get that affects one in so many ways.
All the thouhgts
I'm not quite the same place as last time. After all, we had been through several years of fertility struggles, but I just recognize some of the feelings. Among other things. mind-blowing - there is so much going on. Thoughts on how to get pregnant, how to deal with it if not successful, possible deadline, thoughts on how the whole course of treatment fits into events we need, take hormones when you are out for something, and also if I should be lucky to get pregnant, how does it fit in. Especially in these Coronatids we live in pt. It actually fills a lot; If I get pregnant in this trial, how do I deal with larger congregations, dare you bring along, is it dangerous, you can lose the baby, etc., etc. Those thoughts just run fast.
The social, isolation and loneliness
Another thing I can feel quietly creeping in on me, is the desire or lack of the same, to be with others. Now I have a job where I have to be very social and outgoing, which can help to drain me a lot when I'm affected by the hormones. So when I'm free, I really want to just stay home and unplug and not have to deal with other people. Which is something that has been far from me, I have always been happy to be with our friends. And of course it's not the worst with our friends either, it's clearly the hardest when there are many people you don't know, it always requires a little extra energy. Especially in our last treatments 4 years ago, there was also the part that I would rather know beforehand if I would run into someone who was pregnant, and I never really knew if I was going to something where there came someone I did not know. It made me prefer to just stay home. I eventually got pretty good at finding excuses to stay home, and just send the man off, simply to protect myself from bumping into pregnant stomachs. So that way I got isolated more and more - and became lonely too.
The mental part
Along with the loneliness also came the anxiety - the fear of never getting pregnant, and not least grief. Grieve every time it fails and grief over, quite often, not being the same place as most around us. Virtually all of our friends managed to have children during the time we were working, and of course I was happy on their behalf, but it always peaked just a little bit on top of my grief every time it happened.
Looking back on it, I kind of imagine my state of mind as a curve. A curve that started out high, because I was generally a really happy girl. Once we had been through an unsuccessful attempt, the curve fell slightly. During the break between our attempts, the curve rose slightly again, but it did not reach the starting point. So, for each trial, the curve fell more than it rose during our breaks, so it was just like going down, and in the end, I actually didn't feel like I knew myself.
I started to hide my feelings for a bit, I simply buried them to make everyday life come together. I became cynical, so when someone said they could understand how hard we were and how they felt with us, I just neglected like their feelings and just thought "they have no idea what they are talking about" - it really was an ugly side of myself I developed. When I got pregnant and experienced more tears of joy on my behalf, I had to be sure that they had really spoken the truth when they told me that they felt with me - and that was what was going on for me, how I had developed in a negative direction and had no empathy for others at all - which in turn is a side of myself that I cannot recognize at all from before we started treatment.
It's incredibly scary what this whole process can do at one time - think once you can get so far away from your original self! Fortunately, I have become myself again, and this time I really want to try to hold on to myself, my mood, my social self and not least the empathy for others. As described, I've already noticed some of these reaction patterns, so I won't lie - it's going to be really hard!
But try and remember that when friends and acquaintances say they feel with you, they may not understand a hundred percent what you are going through, but it is certainly true that they feel with you and their feelings are as real as your own - at least I learned that.
The warmest greetings from here